Dirk Hardlee Reports:

I haven’t been able to craft an quality content, just because, but here is what I do have.

2nd Official Sponsor (Them + @brucesyams)

This Party Was EPIC!

So many attendees for Brogan & Mr. V

The Gift Bags were Superb!

FakeSXSW Mascot

Thanks for tuning it. Expect much more from Dick Hardlee.

I am sorry, but the @ICHCheezburger party is going offfffffff!!!!! I’m talking OFF THE H TO THE IZZO, O TO THE IZZOOK!  (Disclaimer: I’m not sure what this means, but I’m pretty sure it’s good).

The big question is: are you here???  NO YOU IZNT.  Know how I know?  Because there’s a line around the block and even @scoble got turned down at the door.  For realz!

Don’t look at me like that.  I see you looking at me.  Standing out there, sullenly smoking your cigarette in your tight jeans and your Ed Hardy shirt.  I see you.  And you know what?  That used to be me out there getting pwned in front of everyone.

But now that LOLCATS are the official sponsor of FakeSXSW, well, what can I say… other than, damn it feels good to be a gangsta’!

@socialphanboy

@socialphanboy here with another live report from FakeSXSW – the crowds are swarming at this point, eager conference-goers out pressing the flesh, dropping names, swapping jump drives and nursing their hangovers with Bruce’s Yams.

Now, I don’t like to spread gossip unless I’m at least 50% sure it’s true. But I felt obliged to share this story with my loyal readers. I’ll let you decide what to make of it.

This morning as I was tucking into a plate of Bruce’s Moons Over My Yammy, I found something very disturbing poking out of my breakfast: a single, coarse red hair.  As I moved the eggs to the side of the plate, what appeared to be the remnants of a wrist band peeked up at me.  On the laminated fragment: just the letters “keSX”.

I’m ashamed to admit, I pushed my concerns aside and finished my meal.  At $6.99 a pop and on a blogger’s salary, I can’t afford to be picky.  Rest assured, I did not leave a tip!

But now as I sit sweltering in the press room, I can’t help but wonder what happened to the neck beard guy I captured on film yesterday. And where did Carrot Top disappear to after his performance? And why the sudden popularity of Bruce’s Yams?

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Ain't no stinking SXSW.

My name: Dick Hardlee. My friends call me Rich; it is like calling a big guy Tiny because it is ironic. After getting laid off from the Houston Post circa ‘95, I have had a difficult time finding work. I was the Tech Writer before tech writing became so popular. I was spout off wild accusation like “Print is Dead” and that “The Internet will Consumer Everything.” I also thought that AOL was going to be the only source of the internet. I mean those CDs where everywhere, seemed obvious that they had a good strategy.

About 15 years later, 2 divorces and blogging for “Low Income Daddy Blogs” has put me on the map. And is why I have been asked to blog for FakeSXSW.

Each wife hates me more than the previous. Each blog pays me less per word. At some point I will be paying for both blogging and women. Doubt creeps into my head if I made the right career choice. On my best days, I consider being a mommy blogger. On my worst, I think about moving to Mexico to learn Spanish and blog for less money. Like I said, times are rough.

Fortunately, I have no kids (to my knowledge). Most of the women that date me hate themselves far too much to want to bring another Hardlee into this world. They can barely stand me, why on earth would they want to procreate? The closest thing I had to a kid was when I participated in the “Big Brothers” program. The kid, Allan, bailed on the program after one visitation. Allan immense learning in our one session must have been enough to go it alone. I am a great teacher. Allan was lucky to have me.

FakeSXSW is the only thing I have going for me right now. Most have you have never heard of the event. Well, it is a platform for the poor. SXSW is expensive. Some of us have jobs. Not me, but I have heard that some people DO have jobs. I am just a lonely writer. Now, I’m writing for this #fakesxsw blog trying to gain some exposure. I have a feeling that this exposure will be better than the exposure I was incarcerated for last year. I had to pay for that exposure. Man, did I ever.

If not for @Stranahan, @missdestructo, RC Cola and @brucesyams, I would not be here blogging for you today. So Big Ups to them.

A lot of you are asking yourself, “So Dick, I understand #FakeSXSW is a platform for the poor, but what is the ‘jena se qua’ or what is the allure?” To keep it short, FakeSXSW is SXSW minus the doucherie. People that love people more than they love money. Everyone that comes by our event gets all the yams you can eat (thanks to @brucesyams). No one is going hungry at our event. We are desperately trying to line up some drink sponsors but all we can manager so far is Zima. And it is going to be several days before the Zima truck can make it. It is too busy making deliveries to Beaumont, Tx. Zima is huge there.

This is my 3^nd day at the event. These past 2 days have been a blur. I have so much to tell. Be very prepared for an honest insiders look into the mayhem. These are the true stories of Dick Hardlee at #FakeSXSW.

LOLCAT DJ MITTENZ IN THE MIX AT FAKESXSW 2009

It’s Saturday night and I’m giving it large on the second night of FakeSXSW boooooooooy!  Just finished up another 140-ounce and a big juicy yam hoagie – I love this event!!!!!!

Don’t have time for a long post, meeting the @fakesxsw crew and some other VIPs for yams and peyote (watch for my check-in, I’ll be sure to let y’all know who they are).  Did I mention I unlocked the Shameless Self-Promotion badget on @fauxsquared today?

But before I go: the tweets and texts have been pouring in about this, and now it’s official: YES that IS the heady mix of litter and Fancy Feast you smell on the air people….

Because the LOLCATS are in da hizzouse!

Wanna get with them?  Here’s a real-time map of where they are at the show.  I think it must work by hotsyncing the Twitters to their ID microchips or something.  Whatever – it’s totally rad!

@socialphanboy

Daryl Dragon & Toni Tennille, better known as mega platinum 70’s Yacht Rock hit makers Captain & Tennille put on a unique comeback show at SXSW that has them back in the center of the vortex of the creative cutting edge of the 21st Century avant music scene. In a bold career move that has shocked longtime fans, this legendary duo temporarily have left the comfort of the the Laughlin to Reno to Cruise Ship to Airforce Base Officer’s Lounge touring circuit to join up with Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips as their new musical & stage director.

Their gig at SXSW has set the blog-o-sphere adrool with chatter about epic revamped psychedelic reinterpretations of set staples like “Muskrat Love” and audience fave “Love Will Keep Us Together”. So far the early reviews say “Do That To Me One More Time!”.

In a much anticipated secret gig at a local Austin parking garage tomorrow, these two show biz troopers have also decided to collaborate in a groundbreaking project that honor’s the release of a new Captain & Tennile TV show retrospective DVD boxset. Wayne Coyne will personally press play on all 4 of their 76-77 variety show DVDs at once in mini-van DVD players dispersed in random intervals throughout the parking garage. “Some people will be watching the pilot from the 1976 season, and others will be seeing our last show from march 1977″ said an excited & slighty slurring Capt. Daryl Dragon last week from the Naked Turtle Lounge near Lake Havasu Az where he is deep into a bottle of scotch and preparations for this daring DVD playback event. The results of this experiment will then be remixed under Coyne’s direction and reissued as a new larger more expensive box next year in special packaging made of Dragon’s old drink umbrella’s & cocktail napkins from the Naked Turtle Lounge. “Look Wayne’s like the General now, I’ve been the Captain for close to 40 years now and just need a little break from strategizing on the battlefield”.

The musical svengali and his new protege'

An A&R bidding war was rumored to be brewing in the parking lot of Stubb’s for the rumored new material , but it also just could have been a coke deal gone bad…at press time, no one was really sure.

Could the line-up at Fake SXSW get any better?

Hello – it just did!

Fake SXSW just announced that Twitter-fried Devo cover band Twevo will perform its social media hit “Twip It” tomorrow night on the main stage. If you’ve never heard Twevo, you’re in for a real treat. Nothing does justice to this classic song like the ukelele.

Forgot the words? I got you covered baby! Print out this post… or just bring it up real-time on your tricked-out Android.

See you in the mosh pit!

TWIP IT – by Twevo

Crack that twip
Give @Ev the slip 
Twitpic of your crack
Break old Scoble’s back

When the fail whale comes along
You must twip it
Before the cream clogs up your bong
You must twip it
When something’s going wrong
You must twip it

now twip it
into shape 
tweet it up
get straight
direct message
move ahead
try to retweet it
it’s not too late
to twip it
twip it good!

When no pedicab’s around
You must twip it
You will never live it down
Unless you twip it
No one gets a badge

Until they twip it

I say twip it
Twip it good!

@socialphanboy

Have you ever wished you were someone else? Like someone ten feet tall with a horse tail and natty dreds?

NERDLINGS, YOUR DREAMS ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE.

Tomorrow afternoon, Avatar aficionados from around the globe will gather for the first annual Fake SXSW Live Avatar Role Play (LARPing) Festival.

Try your hand hunting armadillo with nothing more than a bow and arrow.  Roast Tofurky dogs over the smouldering remains of the Tree of Life.  Test your skills putting a condom over your tail in under 30 seconds.

What do you think? Should we do shots beforehand? LMK!

Here’s some footage from the last LARPing festival in Hometree, Wisconsin.

@socialphanboy

Frisbee Golf is Austin’s official sport and what better way to celebrate than with the 32nd Annual Celebrity Pro Am Frisbee Golf playoffs? And for the 32nd year in a row the even is hosted by rock and roller Huey Lewis and Instadiva Lady GaGa. (Note: This is the first year that Mr. Lewis will not be accompied by The News, since The News declared bankruptcy this past November due to competitin from the internet.)

Do you look like Chris Brogan?  Devious glint in your eye, scruffy goatee, ready to impart pearls of social media wisdom to the slobbering masses?

C’mon, you know who you are!

Anyhoo… I have it from a very credible source that there will be a Chris Brogan lookalike contest on Sunday at #fakesxsw, and that the grand prize is an autographed copy of Brian Solis’ white-hot new book ”Engage: The Complete Guide for Brands and Businesses to Build, Cultivate, and Measure Success in the New Web.”

Here’s the thing – I really want to win this contest, and let me tell you, I’m pretty much a shoo-in.  I’m scruffy.  I’m glinty. I can grow a goatee by Sunday.  BUT – I am also already camped out at the Tattoo Zone for the head shaving/tattoo dealio at the Zappos booth.

Can anyone save my place in line?? LMK!

@socialphanboy